How to Help
When Someone's Drinking is Causing a Problem, How Do You Know When to Say Something?
Say something when you experience a "gut" feeling that something is wrong-when the person's drinking is not normal or has been out of control, or when his or her drinking makes you feel worked or uncomfortable. You do not need to wait until the person has a full-blown "drinking problem" before speaking up.
The thought of talking to friends about their drinking frequently makes people feel apprehensive, anxious, and fearful. However, it is often the most caring thing you can do. Otherwise, you may find yourself in the category of being an "enabler," one who allows a problem to continue or even get worse.
What Do You Say? A Format That Works Well Is "I Care, I See, I Feel, I Want, I Will":
I CARE . . .
Let the person know that you are concerned about him or her and that because of the significance of the relationship you need to discuss something important. Throughout your discussion, stress the fact that you are doing this out of genuine concern, friendship, and/or love.
I SEE . . .
Review factual events. "Last Tuesday night you got drunk and missed your exam the next day. You also vomited three times but did not remember any of it the next day." Stick to observable, irrefutable facts. The more facts you have, the stronger your presentation will be. If need be, write them down.
I FEEL . . .
Tell the individual your honest reaction. "It really scares me to see you like that," or, " I was furious when you made degrading remarks to my girlfriend." You may have felt angry, sad, worried, upset, or combinations of these and other feelings. Let the person know how you felt, using "I" statements ("I was upset…"), which are incontrovertible, rather than "you" statements ("You have a problem…") which can be refuted and which sounds blaming.
I WANT . . .
Tell the individual what you would like to see happen. "I'd like to see you get some help for this," or, "I'd like to see you talk with someone at the Health Center." If you want you can add, "I may be right or I may be way out in left field on this. It is not important that I'm right or wrong. I think it's important that you find out what's true for you. I'm willing to be wrong, but I'm not willing to leave this unsaid because I'm worried and concerned about you." Choose words that fit your style.
I WILL . . .
This can be the most challenging part of the conversation. Specify what you will or will not do. "I really enjoy our friendship, but in good conscience, I cannot continue to drink with you, " or, "if you will work on this issue, I will do everything I can to help, but if you don't go for help, I can't continue in this relationship." (As a friend, you have a right to avoid situations that make you uncomfortable.) Be careful to set bottom lines only if you can stick with them.
What If Your Friend Becomes Angry?
Anger is a technique many problem drinkers use to fend off others from addressing their drinking. Be prepared for anger, and recognize that normal drinkers do not become angry when their drinking is discussed. Therefore, you do not need to take the anger personally. A rule of thumb to consider is that the angrier a person becomes, the more serious the problem is; thus, the extent of the anger is actually a barometer of the problem.
How Do You Know If You've Succeeded?
For the purposes of your peer intervention, a successful confrontation is one that has happened because you had the courage to make it happen. Even if there is no immediate result, the cumulative effect of similar messages over time may eventually lead the person to seek help.
The type of intervention described above can be done individually or in conjunction with other concerned friends. Because group interventions can be difficult and upsetting for all concerned, it is recommended that you contact the Counseling Center at 404-413-1640 for coaching and assistance in this kind of activity.